


The Current's Too Strong

by gurajiorasu



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hospitals, M/M, Organ Transplantation, Politics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:06:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4297083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/gurajiorasu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kazunari was designated to die in the operating room. Sho was, too, and he was trying to change it. But Kazunari's time was running out faster than he thought it would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Current's Too Strong

_“I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart. That's how it is with us. It's a shame, Kath, because we've loved each other all our lives. But in the end, we can't stay together forever.”_  
  
\- Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go 

S. Sho was just out from the conference room. His head was still heavy after all the debate and endless discussion that led to nothing. He carried his documents with him again, convinced enough that those bunch of heartless higher-ups would do nothing besides discarding them. He was used to this output, though - he had gone through hundreds of similar meetings in the past few years and most of them had similar result.

“Maybe it’s time for us to approach NGOs,” A. Masaki, one of the few that had fought with him in those few years, said while patting Sho’s back, “It might be easier to approach NGOs with our issue. They have hearts, at least.”

Sho shrugged, “This program is government’s. NGO has no right and power to stop it.”

“They have masses. The government would have to shut the program down if there are mass movements about it,” M. Jun gave his opinion, “But, well, the risk is higher too. There’s a possibility that they’d support the government instead. The program is beneficial for the normals, after all.”

“We don’t have much time left, so it might be our best shot,” I. Toma suddenly appeared from behind them, “I don’t think it will be long before one of us is called for donor.”

Sho knew it, of course. He had counted it before. All of them - the ones who actively involved in the movement to bring down the program - had applied to be a carer so they would be the last in line to be called for donation amongst anyone their age, but Sho already had two donors from his age to be taken care of. Their time was approaching fast.

 _His_ time was approaching faster.

Sho felt his heart twinged as his mind wandered to a certain man; a certain person that he had always held dear in his heart, the source of motivation that kept him going after a lot of fruitless efforts and degrading humiliation.

Then, his beeper vibrated and his heart stopped into a halt. The beeper only went off when something happened to the donor that he was taking care of, but because the last donor had met his completion a while ago, it could only mean one thing.

A new donor was assigned to him to be taken care of.

Bad feelings crept up to his mouth. With a certain person still lingering in his mind, Sho felt the horror pounding in his chest. He took his beeper and lifted it slowly to reveal the message.

“New Donor Notice. Carer: S. Sho. Place: Chiba facility, Room 1994. Donor: N. Kazunari”

A part of Sho’s soul was ripped apart right then and there.

*******

“Kazu,” Sho breathed out once he’s inside the clean room of the facility. He scrambled to the bed where a slighter man sat and took the man into his embrace. His hands were trembling - his whole body was. He felt cold all over and he still hoped that it was all just a dream.

“Hey, Sho,” Kazunari answered with a smile. He sat still, letting Sho do as he pleased to him.

Sho pressed his lips on the side of Kazunari’s head and held him tight. He rocked them both back and forth, swaying in an erratic movement.

Toma, Masaki, and Jun froze on the doorway, feeling the sadness and despair which were oozing out from their friends on the bed. They had known each other for as long as they lived, they knew for real how precious Kazunari was to Sho and vice versa.

“Sho kun, tadaima,” Kazunari still smiled but his eyes were getting wet.

The facility was obviously not their home. They never had a home, it’s just one facility after another for Sho and one temporary mess after another for Kazunari after they’re out from the boarding school. But Kazunari was always Sho’s home. He’s the closest to family that Sho would ever have. He’s the only one that was always there - the only thing that was constant in Sho’s life.

Sho nodded because he couldn’t bring himself to utter anything. Everything was overwhelming. His biggest fear was finally there and even though it was inevitable, Sho would never be prepared enough to face it.

Jun inched forward to take the document next to the bed. He read it, noting a few important things. He then passed it to Toma and Masaki and scooted closer to the couple.

“It’s kidney. One kidney,” Jun informed, “Scheduled for tomorrow. Survive rate is more than 80%.”

Being a carer, Sho should know that it’s a good news. Most of the donor survived the first donation and kidney was the most common donation. 80% was a wonderful number too. Sho would certainly inform it with a big smile of assurance to the donor if it’s not Kazunari.

But it _was_ Kazunari. And it made an enormous difference on everything. All that Sho could process right then was that he had 20% chance of putting Kazunari into the casket the next day, signing Kazunari’s letter of completion and biding him goodbye forever.

“I’ll be alright,” Kazunari raised his hand to rub Sho’s back, “You know I will.”

“How could they do this to you?” Sho’s voice was shaky and his anger was apparent. He still held Kazunari tight and his body was still trembling hard.

Kazunari already opened his mouth to answer it but he closed it again. He knew Sho too well; it wouldn’t be good to say the classic answer about how they were _created_ for this exact purpose, to be the spare parts of the rich.

“They have no rights. They have no rights at all,” Sho started to sound angry and out of control. Kazunari made calming circles on Sho’s back but it didn’t do much. Sho was really mad and nothing could calm him down.  
“We’re as human as they are - No. That’s not it - We are _more_ human than they are. We might be not conceived and born naturally, but it doesn’t mean that they can drag us to operating table and harvest our organs as they pleased!” Sho nearly screamed.

No one dared to make a noise. The atmosphere was so heavy and saturated with sadness and deep anger. The clock was ticking and the time felt like it was stretched out. Heart beats were quickening and breaths were held.

“This needs to stop. This sick program really needs to stop,” Sho broke the grief silence and released Kazunari. He wiped the tears that were hanging on his eyes and he looked highly determined while doing so.

It was without another word when Sho stood up and left the room with hurried steps. Kazunari could only see him disappearing from his sight and feel the coldness that crept back due to Sho’s absence. He stretched his hand towards Sho, trying to keep the slightly older from leaving but it happened too fast.

Jun quickly ran after Sho because it would be too dangerous to let angry Sho go by his own. Toma put down the documents he was holding to the bedside table and threw an apologetic look to Kazunari before dashing out too. Masaki, who was left behind, took his time and approached Kazunari.

Masaki tried to smile. He placed his palm on Kazunari’s shoulder and rubbed it gently, “We’ll try our best, okay? Sho chan will do anything to save you.”

Kazunari nodded and Masaki left too, leaving Kazunari alone in his room.

Kazunari dropped his body down to the bed and finally his tears flowed out from his eyes. To be honest, he had lost hope on stopping the program and surviving. To be honest, he had accepted his fate. To be honest, he wouldn’t mind even if Sho decided to stop the struggle right then and there.

Kazunari had accepted that his death was approaching - if it’s not in his first donation, then it would be in his second, third, or fourth - and he just wanted Sho to be there. With him.

*******

When the time for the donation was there, Sho wasn’t. Even though he was Kazunari’s carer, he wasn’t there. Kazunari had to take care of the documents in place of Sho because he didn’t want Sho to be replaced for neglecting his responsibility, and the loneliness that he felt while doing it was poisonous. When the doctor came and pushed his bed towards the operating room, Kazunari hoped that finally Sho would come but he didn’t.

It broke Kazunari’s heart, really. Sho had left him too many times in his life. He had always been waiting for Sho - not sure if Sho would come back but he waited anyway. He knew Sho had a big dream - to shut the donation program down forever - and he knew Sho was doing a good thing so he never complained, but right then, he felt like screaming. He had not much time left and yet Sho still left him. It could be their last chance to see each other and yet Sho was still not there with him.

When Kazunari opened his eyes again after the donation had been completed, though, he found Sho by his bed, clutching his hand tightly with worry painted on his face, and all the exasperation that Kazunari had was dissipated completely again. Sho was always his weakness. Always. Sho was the only one that he ever treasured in his life; the only reason why he wanted to stay alive.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make it to see you before the donation,” Sho apologized and Kazunari knew it was sincere.

“It’s okay,” the answer came out immediately.

“How do you feel?” Sho asked softly. He caressed Kazunari’s hair gently as if Kazunari was the most delicate thing in the world.

Kazunari leaned to Sho’s caress, trying to forget the biting numbness that he felt on the side of his stomach. He could feel the wound, he could feel the new emptiness inside his body, but prohibited himself from thinking about it. He was _alive_ , and that’s the only thing that mattered.

“Okay,” Kazunari smiled.

“You should rest properly, though,” Sho told Kazunari.

“I will,” Kazunari nodded and gave his playful smile, “It’s not like I could do much in this place anyway.”

Sho smiled. He looked tired and spent. He put his head down on Kazunari’s bed and put Kazunari’s hand on top of his head. Then, he said, “We’re approaching NGOs. I went to a couple of NGOs yesterday and to another one earlier today. So far, the prospect is good. I’ll approach more NGOs to gather more people to support us.”

Kazunari just nodded to that.

“I will never let them take you just like that,” Sho said with all of his seriousness.

“I know,” Kazunari brushed Sho’s hair with his fingers.

“It was terrifying to see you out from the operating room, cold and unconscious. I don’t want to see that ever again.”

“I’m sorry,” Kazunari felt certain warmth spread in his chest.

“I love you,” Sho said and it was the first. They had been together for the longest time that it wasn’t necessary to put things into words but Sho finally said it then. He just felt that he had to say it, to make sure that Kazunari knew it. To stress the realness of it and to somewhat make it official. He pressed his lips to the back of Kazunari’s hand gently, “That’s why I’ll do my best to save you. I don’t care if I have to go door to door and show people that we deserve freedom and the right to live too. If that’s what I need to do to keep them from treating you like consumables, then I’ll do it.”

Kazunari wanted to tell Sho that he didn’t need to do that - that he was fine of being treated as consumables as long as he could spend his last days with Sho and that it would be enough if he could have Sho all for himself until the time he had to close his eyes forever - but he didn’t have a heart to do so. Sho looked so determined and miserable at the same time. Like it was Sho himself who was counting down the days to second donation.

So Kazunari just smiled softly and cupped Sho’s cheek, whispering, “I love you too,” before pulling Sho close for their first kiss ever.

*******

The softness of the kiss lingered on Sho’s lips for countless days. It spurred him, giving him the strength that he badly needed. He had stayed with Kazunari until very late on the day of Kazunari’s first donation, but he left with a promise of not coming back so soon. He needed support from a lot of people and that’s what he’d be gathering nonstop.

Fortunately, Sho was not alone on it. He had Jun, Toma, and Masaki. They also had a fair-sized group of people with the same vision with them. Mostly, the member was from the same year as them back in the boarding school, but there were some senpais and a few kouhais started to join too. Shortly, they started to make positive progress; organizations and communities started to show their support for them.

But it was not enough. They needed more. They needed a breakthrough so the public in general would be aware of them and understand that they were humans too - they wanted to keep on living once they’re alive too. They needed the people to move with them.

They started to run out of ideas when one of their teachers back on the boarding school came to their small gathering place they called office. The office was rather empty, most of the members were out to approach yet another community or fulfill their duty as carer. There were only Masaki and Sho around, working on yet another long list of organizations and communities.

“So, it was you guys, after all,” the woman said with a fair hint of relief as she stepped in. She looked troubled and unsure until she saw them, a piece of paper was held in her hand.

Masaki and Sho looked up and they immediately stood up.

“Becky sensei?” Masaki breathed out in disbelief before running to the teacher.

“A. Masaki, right? And S. Sho?” the teacher smiled. Masaki escorted her in and Sho bowed to her. It had been so long since they left the school and they had never seen any of the teacher - or guardians, as they used to call them - outside the school area.

“What brought you here, Sensei?” Sho asked. Not because he was displeased by Becky’s presence, course.

“I heard,” Becky took a seat, “I heard that there are people who are seeking help for shutting the donation program down.”

Sho and Masaki exchanged glances for a short while. They didn’t know where Becky was standing exactly. She didn’t seem to have the intention of telling them to stop but, came to think about it, she was their teacher. She worked in a special boarding school for special students like them. She was a part of the program itself.

Becky seemed to notice the doubt in her former students’ face. She smiled and assured, “I come to help. I’ve had enough of letting my students graduate just to be opened up in an operating table.”

Masaki squeezed Sho’s hand in happiness. His smile was wide and bright.

“You know, this sick program... they’re not only running it in Japan,” Becky started. She stole a glance to her wristwatch, “I have a friend in England. She’s a guardian too. But there.. the school is helping the students to get some acknowledgment that they’re not commodity.”

“How?” Sho became alerted. They had never had any help from anyone before. They’re only expected to just accept their designated fate and that’s all. No hope whatsoever.

“By arts,” the woman produced photographs from her handbag. They were photographs of multiple paintings and statues. At some, there were also poetry and music sheets. She spread them all on the table, “They’re showing the world that the students- that the _donors_ have souls too. People are able to see to the donor’s heart through these arts and hopefully, they’d understand that it’s just wrong to use them as... disposable.”

Sho studied the photographs and a crippling excitement was building inside him. Kazunari was especially good in making music and writing poetry. He was a good singer, they could record him or something and let the world listen to his raw emotion. The world would finally notice it, the world would see.

“I can’t do much, but I know some people from the media. In one way or another, I hope it helps,” Becky took out several name cards, “I’m really sorry. I really hope I could help you more but, you see, with my position I can’t do much.”

“It’s okay, Sensei,” Masaki cut. He was beaming, “This is already more than enough. We’re glad that you took the trouble to help us.”

Becky’s eyes were glassy. She reached across the table to cup Masaki’s and Sho’s cheeks with her hands. She brushed them gently, showing the fondness that she had, “You guys are such good kids. It’s not fair that you have to go through all these.”

Sho and Masaki smiled and Becky found that their smiles were still the same as the ones that they had when they’re still five. Masaki patted her hand reassuringly, “We’re going to be okay, Sensei. We’re strong, remember?”

Becky nodded and she looked at her wristwatch again. She really needed to get going, “I think I need to get back before I bring troubles to you. Be safe, okay?”

Sho and Masaki nodded. Becky stood up, bowed, and waved his goodbye. She disappeared with fast steps and worried look, as if she was about to go to a battlefield.

Masaki eyed her fondly. Her presence made him remember the good old days when he didn’t have to worry about anything but his health - when he hadn’t fully grasped why they were special and what it meant to be a donor.

Then, Masaki turned to Sho with a new hope in his eyes, “Satoshi senpai. Satoshi senpai’s arts will certainly rob people’s hearts, don’t you think?”

Sho nodded but his brain wasn’t there anymore. It might be a little bit egoistic, but if there’s even the slightest chance, he wanted to secure it for Kazunari first. He tidied his belongings and hurriedly left Masaki.

“Where are you going?” Masaki asked, “I’m going to contact Satoshi senpai so we could publish his arts as soon as possible. Don’t you want to come with me?”

“Please, take care of it,” Sho turned to give a wide grin, “I have to tell Kazunari about this.”

Sho was out from his sight in a few seconds but Masaki couldn’t complain. He just shook his head with a smile on his face, proceeding to do just as he said.

*******

“Songs?” Kazunari blinked in surprise.

“Yeah, songs. You made them, right?” Sho was excited beyond believe, “Becky sensei came today and she said that in England, they use arts to show normals a bit of our souls. This is a good chance, Kazunari, I know your songs are beautiful!”

“But I- I left them all in the school. I don’t think I still remember any,” Kazunari said in tiny voice, afraid to disappoint Sho.

“Then, make new ones!” Sho glowed, “We can wait, don’t worry. While you’re making new ones, we’ll use Satoshi senpai’s arts first. When you’re done, we’ll let the world know what they’re missing if they refused to open their eyes.”

Kazunari chuckled. He really didn’t think that his songs were that good. Contrary to Satoshi that was well known for his statues and paintings since they’re in the elementary school, no one had actually acknowledged Kazunari’s songs. He had no audience. Only Sho. And it’s always enough for him.

But if Sho wanted him to make a song for the world to listen, then be it. He’d make the best song for sure. Not for the sake of himself, but because Sho asked him to.

“A song about what, Sho kun?” Kazunari asked. His fingers were reaching for Sho’s.

“About anything,” Sho laced their fingers together. He pondered for a bit then his face lit up with an idea, “Ah! About your desire to keep on living! How about that?”

Kazunari chuckled and nodded. Words and melody started to arrange themselves in his head. His own desire of keep on living might be weak for now, but he got something else that was in the same line as it. He giddily freed himself from the bed and walked to his chest. He took his old but precious ukulele, the one that Sho had snatched for him in one of the most crowded sale in their school. His body was still adapting with the loss of one of its organs, but he felt well. He turned back to the bed with a wide grin, imagining that he would spend the rest of the day with his Sho, singing and probably messing around. Just like the way he liked it.

But when he saw Sho again, the man was already tidying his things, ready to go.

“Satoshi senpai is on his way to the office,” Sho informed, “His last donor just completed so he’s free now. We can start to contact the media right away. We’re really lucky, aren’t we?”

Kazunari’s smile slowly fell into a flat line. His heart dropped to the floor.

“I’ll get going, okay? Just wait for it, this one will be a breakthrough, I promise you!” Sho stepped closer, ruffled Kazunari’s head briefly, and turned to leave.

Kazunari wanted to make Sho stay but he restrained himself again. He just swallowed it. It’s actually funny how Kazunari was the one with limited time but he’s the one who seemed to have forever to wait and keep waiting for Sho. He didn’t mind, though, all of his time was for Sho, anyway. It had always been. But it still felt somehow wrong, somehow lonely.

Kazunari scooted back to his bed while Sho dashed to the door. Kazunari climbed carefully; the after-surgery pain was suddenly felt again.

Just in front of the door, Sho stopped abruptly. It looked like he was forgetting something. He turned back and went to Kazunari.

Kazunari didn’t expect it and he swore his heart skipped a thousand beats when Sho landed a soft kiss on his forehead.

“I love you,” Sho said with a big, wide smile. He brushed Kazunari’s cheek with his thumb twice and left again. Just before he passed the door, he turned and smiled to Kazunari, “Ittekimasu.”

Kazunari felt a huge wave of warmth inside his chest. It was really sincere when he answered, “Itterasshai.”

Kazunari really didn’t mind waiting, for Sho would always come back to him. Always.

Slowly, he strummed his ukulele.

*******

It was still April when Jun first contacted the media with Satoshi’s paintings in the menu. It was well into June when the beauty of it finally reached audiences’ eyes and grabbed people’s attention.

Kazunari saw it on the magazine that the facility provided. He watched news about it on the television. Sometimes he would see Jun as the spokesperson, sometimes he would see Toma. Everyone was talking about them. Public discussions were held and broadcasted live in television channels to talk about Satoshi’s talent at first and the morality of the donation program at last.

It was still subtle and there’s still no active movements yet, but they’re progressing pretty well. At least, it was a huge step compared to what they had up until then.

Sho visited Kazunari at least once a week. His visit was always brief, but he always came with wide smile and bright face despite the dark circles under his eyes. Kazunari knew Sho was beyond tired, that’s why he never asked for more.

Kazunari wrote one song after another, one poetry after another. He would occasionally sing them to Sho. Sometimes, Sho would fall asleep while he was singing - probably because his body couldn’t take the exhaustiveness any longer - and Kazunari would smile to the sleeping man, caressing Sho’s soft hair and humming his song softly.

At some point, Sho realized that all of Kazunari’s songs were about them. Or him. There’s one song about their childhood, there’s another song about their trip to a lake long time ago, and there’s even a song about Sho’s squishy cheeks. The lyrics were somewhat ridiculous but beautiful at the same time, it’s confusing Sho.

“What’s this, I don’t remember telling you to write songs about me,” Sho chuckled after yet another song about him. He fiddled with his new recording device that he finally obtained. They’re going to publish Kazunari’s songs too. Probably next week, right after Satoshi’s interview by a major television channel.

“You did,” Kazunari laughed. They were out under the sun, sitting on a picnic rug on the beach behind the facility’s building. Kazunari’s skin was getting pale because he spent most of his time indoor, so Sho always dragged him out every time he had the chance.

“I didn’t,” Sho chuckled. He poked Kazunari’s cheek and the latter poked back. They’re always happy when it’s just the two of them. It was as if nothing else mattered - like they had no problems at all.

“You _did_ ,” Kazunari leaned to Sho’s shoulder. He kept his knees close to his chest, hugging them to counter the warm wind.

“I told you to write songs about wanting to keep on living!” Sho pulled Kazunari to his embrace and kissed Kazunari’s top of the head.

“Uh huh,” Kazunari nodded, “That’s why I write about you. Don’t you get it? It’s because _you_ are the only reason why I want to keep on living.”

Sho’s heart lost its beat and drummed like crazy afterward. His cheeks turned crimson red while Kazunari grinned cheekily on him.  
“Sap,” he breathed out but he hugged Kazunari tighter, showing that he was so happy inside.

Kazunari giggled. He settled comfortably on Sho’s shoulder, inhaling the humid scent of summer. Then, after comfortable silence enveloped them, he timidly said, “Therefore.. can’t you just stay, Sho kun?”

Sho was about to ask what Kazunari meant but before he could vocalize it, he already understood. He exhaled a long breath and squeezed Kazunari’s shoulders, making the situation calmer before he answered, “You know I leave you so we can be together longer- _forever_.”

“I know. But.. don’t you think it’s better to make use of the time that we actually have? I mean, there’s a possibility that-”

Sho abruptly closed Kazunari’s mouth with his palm. “Don’t,” he looked pained and upset, “Please, don’t. We’ll get you out of here. I won’t let them take anything from you anymore. You’ll live longer than me. You _will_. Okay?”

It was really overwhelming for Kazunari to see the amount of fear in Sho’s eyes. Those eyes were glassy, the pupils were dilating. It came to Kazunari that it scared Sho more than it scared him. It affected Sho more than it affected him. It might be Kazunari’s life, but Sho showed that he treasured it more.

Kazunari nodded slowly. His eyes were locked to Sho’s, feeling the angst that was radiated from it. Sho’s hand was loosening from Kazunari’s mouth and shifted to Kazunari’s cheek, gripping it like Kazunari would disappear if he let go.

Kazunari put his hand on Sho’s, pressing it firmer to his skin.

There’s a single drop of tear escaped from Sho’s eye.

“I’m sorry,” Kazunari swept his thumb on the back of Sho’s hand. “I’m sorry,” his free hand reached for Sho’s cheek and wiped the tear off. “I’m sorry,” he pulled Sho by Sho’s hand and cheek, capturing Sho to his embrace. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Kazunari put Sho’s hand on his shoulder, hugging Sho tight while chanting his apology.

“I don’t want to lose you,” Sho whispered and he had to give his all to refrain himself from sobbing. They were never easily moved to tears, they were always the cool guys. But with death lurking behind them, it all changed. It only needed one wrong sentence to crumble their defenses. It only needed one look to the future and they would be shaken again.

“I’m sorry,” Kazunari’s hands moved to Sho’s sides of the face and he lifted Sho’s head. He wiped the tears that were there again and leaned closer until their foreheads were touching, “I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

“I just can’t let them-,” Sho was choked by his own words.

“We won’t let them,” Kazunari assured. He kept wiping Sho’s tears that kept flowing one by one, “We won’t.”

“I’m sorry I’m a mess but-,” Sho sniffled. He looked a little bit embarrassed when he continued, “I love you.”

Kazunari let out a little chuckle because Sho looked so adorable and because the tense air didn’t really suit them. He smiled wide and whispered, “I love you too.”

Kazunari leaned in and their lips met, soft and gentle. Sho’s lips were a little bit salty due to the tears and Kazunari kissed the saltiness away. The kiss was intimate and deepened gradually, showing the sheer possessiveness that they had in them. It had no wrong desire in it. It was purely out of love; passionate but not in the search for something more.

It felt like they had gone to paradise and went back when they finally broke the kiss. They both smiled, staring intently and lovingly at each other.

“I can make a song out of that,” Kazunari grinned. He decided that they had enough of emotional roller coaster for a day so he intended to ease the air a bit.

Sho stifled a laugh. Always a sucker for Kazunari’s antics, “Are you stupid? Who would hear a song about kissing?”

“Why not? It’s beautiful,” Kazunari laughed.

“Fine. You can make it. But don’t blame me if girls want to kiss me later,” Sho joked.

“It’s their loss, then. The one who makes the kiss beautiful is me,” Kazunari giggled. Then, his voice turned softer and he shrugged, “But, nah. I’ll make it later. We still have a lot of time anyway, don’t we? We have the rest of our lives.”

Sho felt warm because it was Kazunari’s way to assure him that he won’t think about ending it again. He grinned and nodded, already imagining how a song about a kiss would be like.

A shout cast the imagination away, though.

“Sho kun!” someone was running towards them from the direction of the facility’s building. It was Jun. His face was pale and he was panting.

Sho and Kazunari stood up, getting alerted because Jun’s expression didn’t indicate anything good.

“What happened?”

“Sato- Satoshi!” Jun bumped Sho and Kazunari to make a stop.

“What happened to Satoshi senpai?”

“He was called for donation,” Jun was still trying to arrange his breath.

Sho’s and Kazunari’s hearts clenched. But it was not unexpected, though. Satoshi was older than them, after all. It’s about time.

“The first donation is- is-,” Jun was nearly hyperventilating and it worried Sho and Kazunari.

“Is...?” Kazunari prodded.

“Heart.”

*******

Most of the people who were actively involved with the movements came to Chiba facility that day. Satoshi’s donation would be conducted there and Satoshi had been brought for preliminary examination. Everyone was waiting restlessly. Anger could be tasted in the air.

Jun, who was chosen to be Satoshi’s carer, flipped the documents again and again but it wouldn’t change. Satoshi’s heart would be taken out in less than three days. It was odd. It was surprising. Heart on the first donation was never heard of.

“It must be because people are looking at his arts,” O. Junichi, Satoshi’s classmate back in the school, growled, “They must be afraid, so they need to- to- put him away.”

“Those jerks!” Sho cursed. He paced back and forth angrily.

“They’re warning us,” Toma said from a corner, “They’re showing us what they’re capable to do. If we make a fuss, they could easily silence us forever.”

“This is murder!” Sho spat out.

“It has always been,” Junichi said matter-of-factly. His voice was calm but his veins were showing, indicating that he’s boiling inside.

“What are we going to do?” Masaki asked weakly.

The room fell into silence. Once it’s decided, there’s nothing they could do. Even running away was impossible. A tracker was planted inside of them since they’re very young. A barcode - something to keep them inventoried.

“We should keep going,” suddenly Kazunari said, “We can’t let his effort go to the drain, right? My musics are ready, we can continue with it.”

“No,” Sho objected immediately, “No, I won’t let you do that. What if they do the same thing to you, huh?! No, Kazu. No.”

“Then, what should we do?” Kazunari challenged Sho, “We’ve gone this far. They’re afraid of us! It means that we’re doing the right thing. So why stop?”

“I said NO!” Sho yelled particularly loud.

Kazunari was taken aback by it. He felt Masaki scooted closer to him and wrapped an arm behind his back - probably to calm him down.

They were all tense and on their edges. Satoshi was practically sent to his death. His survive rate was 0%. Jun was even already asked to fill in Satoshi’s form of completion.

And the worst was, they could do nothing about it. Nothing at all.

A door was opened and Satoshi came out of it. His eyes were red. His expression was hard.

His jaws were clenching when he hissed through his gritted teeth, “Let the world know. Let all of them _know_ what they’re doing to me. Make them regret this.”

*******

The next day, everyone went to do as Satoshi told them. They went to news channels and newspapers, telling them exactly what was happening. Satoshi’s face was dominating the news later that day and an uproar was caused.

People were waiting for Satoshi’s art. Getting the news that he would be walking to his own death because of one heartless program finally shook them to reality. People started to question why. People started to think that it’s not right.

Kazunari stayed in Satoshi’s room that day, accompanying the older watching the television in silence. Satoshi never looked away from the screen. He stared at it without stopping, taking in all the news that was clearly turning to their side.

They were practically riding his death, but Satoshi didn’t mind. If he’s about to die, then he wanted it to be a weapon to bring the sick government down. He wanted it to be noticed; to expose the heartless truth of the donation program.

When the sun went down, though, he started to waver. The thoughts of being dead started to intrude Satoshi’s head and Kazunari noticed it. Kazunari knew how it felt, after all, to count down the time to the donation. To know for sure that his death was approaching.

But Kazunari’s death was still fairly far compared to Satoshi’s. Satoshi’s was just around the corner. It could already be seen. It already greeted him.

“How does it feel?” was the first sentence that Satoshi made that day. His voice sounded hoarse and raw. He could be asking about anything at all, really, but it could only be one thing at that time.

Kazunari forced himself to remember, “Cold. And then nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Is it painful?”

“No,” Kazunari answered right away.

Tears were brimming in Satoshi’s eyes but he stubbornly kept his gaze on the television. Kazunari could tell that the older was trying his best to not cry and to look tough.

“Satoshi senpai,” Kazunari touched Satoshi’s arm.

A few droplets of tears fell down to Satoshi’s cheeks and he blinked them away. He averted his gaze away from Kazunari as he said, “Promise me to make this worth it, okay?”

Kazunari nodded.

“And bury me properly. Don’t let them discard my body like a waste.”

Kazunari nodded again.

A commotion was heard from the outside. There were people shouting, forbidding, disobeying, and they’re getting closer.

Satoshi wiped his face dry and smirked, “About time.”

Kazunari was a little bit confused because he didn’t know what was happening.

Satoshi pulled Kazunari to sit by his side and said, “Smile, Kazunari. _We_ are going to be in the headlines tomorrow.”

Toma and Masaki opened the door and a herd of journalists and reporters stormed inside the room not a minute after.

*******

They had the government tied after countless broadcasts of Satoshi and his death sentence. Everyone was watching every single movement related to the program. Groups and movements were established, demanding the program to be reconsidered.

Satoshi didn’t have the time to think about his nearing death anymore. He was so busy making speeches and answering questions. He was never a talkative man, but he was on the roll. He didn’t stop. He kept going and going until it’s time. And when it’s time, he didn’t even have the slightest fear in him anymore.

“If this is my destiny, then I’ll accept it wholeheartedly,” Satoshi said a moment before he was dragged to the donation process, “But you have to know that it’s _not_. They’re forcing me to do this. This is not my end yet, but they make it an end for me,” he then pulled Kazunari forward, “And they will do it to this talented man too. And to our friends too. And to our kouhais- to all the babies that they’re currently making by extracting other people’s DNA too.”

Satoshi held Kazunari’s hand really tight. It was his last spurt.

“We’ve been given life just to be taken away again,” Satoshi continued, “Today, it’s mine. Next, it would be his. Will you just sit there and watch? If yes, then I can assure you one thing; we’re more human than you are.”

And it was Satoshi’s last line. He walked his own way to the operating room, refusing to give away the control of himself even in his last minutes.

All of them saw him bravely stepping into his death. When the operating light was turned on, everyone dropped into a solid silence. When it went off, everyone mourned.

A hero had passed away.

*******

Kazunari took Satoshi’s place under the spotlight after the devastating day. Everyone was eager to know who he was, what happened to him, and what he got to tell them. The facility was closed for outsider after that, but the journalists and reporters didn’t give up. They cooperated with Sho and the rest to keep in touch with Kazunari.

Their little group finally had real hope after years of struggling. They were beyond happy. Jun, who was free again after Satoshi’s completion, took the role as their main spokesperson. Toma and Masaki, who had donors to take care of, persuaded their donors to take part too. Generally, donors were skeptical about the movement and they just accepted it, but with the new shining hope, other donors started to find good reasons to not just surrender to the program.

Kazunari was so strong. He was perfect as their icon right after Satoshi. He gained courage from Satoshi and from the support that the people showed to them. Everyone loved him. He emitted the right amount of determination and helplessness. He didn’t show his weakness but everyone wanted to protect him nevertheless.

Especially Sho. And that’s why Sho still didn’t think it’s a good idea. He was worried for Kazunari. He couldn’t rest assured that the government wouldn’t do what they did to Satoshi. True, it would cause another uproar and it would backfire to the government if they did it, but still, he’s afraid.

Petitions started to pop up in under a month of intense publication. The government really couldn’t do anything to turn down the burning flame that was ignited by Satoshi’s death. The whole program seemed to turn into a halt; nothing happened.

But Sho still couldn’t brush the disturbing feeling away. Everything started to turn bright in front of them, but he still doubted it. It was too easy that it’s suspicious. There’s no way that the government gave up just like that.

It took them off guard when one day, Sho’s beeper went off. Sho was in the office right then, along with Jun, Junichi, and some other people. Sho’s fingers were trembling. It was somehow similar to the day when Kazunari was assigned to him.

Jun and Junichi craned their necks in curiousness, waiting.

Sho took a look at his beeper and his whole world was shaken in an instant. He dropped the beeper and Jun took it.

Jun stepped back, “It can’t be. Are they crazy?! They must be kidding.”

Sho didn’t hear it if Junichi said anything because he was already on his way to Kazunari. His Kazunari.

He was right, the government wouldn’t give up just like that. They were just arranging strategy.

“New Donation Notice. Carer: S. Sho. Donor: N. Kazunari. Organ: Heart Valve.”

*******

“They can’t do that to me,” Kazunari shook his head repeatedly, “They can’t. Didn’t they see what happened when they did it to Satoshi senpai? They’re not that stupid, right? Right?!”

Sho could only hug Kazunari tight. He had seen the document. Kazunari still had- no, Kazunari _only_ had a week left.

“The people wouldn’t let this happen, right?” Kazunari’s desperation was heard in his hoarse voice.

Sho didn’t respond. He was terrified. Really terrified.

Some minutes later, Junichi went in to Kazunari’s room. He had been running, his face was white and his breaths were racing. He sought for support on the door frame while saying, “Jun’s already on his way to a press conference. People will know about this. There’s no way they could proceed with this.”

“See, Sho kun? We will definitely win this one,” Kazunari tried to assure Sho but he himself sounded more desperate than convincing.

Junichi reached for the remote control and he turned the television on. They waited in silence, the only voice was from the television. Kazunari and Junichi stared in expectation while Sho kept hugging Kazunari and burying his face on the crook of Kazunari’s neck, refusing to look at the screen.

The screen went black for a second before the screen of breaking news took over. Jun’s face appeared next. He was trembling and shaking, his eyes were deadly.

“They did it again,” Jun started, “After O. Satoshi, the talented artist that we all love so much, now they’re sending N. Kazunari to his deathbed. He’s just twenty two, this Kazunari. He’s a nice man. Despite his sharp tongue, he’s a man with the kindest heart that I’ve ever met. You’ve also heard his voice and his songs, haven’t you? He’s gifted. He’s a gift to this world. Yet, he has to greet his death prematurely. Just because some rich guy refuses to greet his righteous death. Just because someone else that he didn’t even know who needed this tiny part of his body. Don’t you think that this is wrong? What has he done so he deserves this, really?”

There were murmurs of agreement. There were sparks of fury.

Then, the screen went black again. The broadcast was cut midway. Junichi tried to change the channel but it was all the same. When it came back up again, it wasn’t Jun anymore.

There was a girl, probably ten or eleven years old, sitting on a hospital bed with various complicated things attached to her slender body. She was pale, but she was smiling wide. Her eyes were bright and she kept glancing to her right - probably there’s her mother there.

Texts were showing up on the screen.

“This is Katanashi Ai, twelve years old. She was born with heart abnormality and she has been suffering for all of her life. She was hopeless but she isn’t now.”

Kazunari leaned forward to see better. Junichi changed channels several times and got the same broadcast every time. Sho slowly released Kazunari and turned his head in horror.

“Ai chan, you look happy today,” a voice from outside the camera asked the girl, “Do you want to tell us what happened?”

The girl shot a look to her right as if she was asking permission to whoever that was there. Happiness was apparent in every millimeter of her being; her lips were curling up, her eyes were beginning to be decorated with happy tears, and her expression told everyone that if she could, she would jump around and dance.

“Mom said that I will live,” she looked at the source of the other voice and answered, “Mom said that there’s a very kind Onii san that will give me his heart v- vla- vlave so I can keep on living.”

Sho clutched his chest and he gasped a tiny, _“Oh, God,”_ because he had a good hunch of what was happening.

The girl looked a little bit embarrassed when she tried to spell the hard word and failed, but she kept going on, “I will be able to go to school. I will be able to play. I will be able to make friends.”

“Oh, you want to make friends?” the other voice asked.

The girl nodded eagerly. A couple drops of tears fell to her lap when she answered, “Yes. I don’t have friends because I’m always sick. But because this kind Onii chan, I will be able to make friends. I’m very happy. I want to know what it feels like to have friends.”

Junichi exhaled a short exasperated breath. He fell to the chair and supported his head with his hands. Meanwhile, Kazunari was gaping to the television with blown eyes, looking suspiciously like he was not breathing at all.

The screen then changed again. It showed a middle aged woman with handkerchief in her hand. She looked like she had been crying for a week straight and she was trembling when she said, “Ai chan is my precious. She’s my only child. I only have her, I don’t have anyone else in my life.”

It was the girl’s mother, obviously.

“She was born with flaws, but I still love her deeply. People keep suggesting to just throw her away, but I don’t want to. She’s my baby daughter. I don’t care how difficult it is, I want her to keep on living,” she wiped her tears, “That’s why when I- when I heard about the program, I was beyond happy. The program is my only hope. It’s the only thing that might help Ai chan, my baby. When I heard that finally Ai chan is ready to receive the donor and that there’s already a perfect donor, I immediately told her and we were so happy.”

The silence inside Kazunari’s room was suffocating. It was biting. It sucked the life out of the three of them.

Kazunari didn’t move even an inch. He looked like he was hypnotized and not in a good way.

The mother crumbled into a sobbing mess when she continued, “But then- then-,” she hyperventilated and there were hands stretched to her back. She opened her mouth to continue but nothing came out except for restrained sobs that pierced to everyone’s heart. She gave up, then. She just pleaded, “Please. Please, Kazunari san, don’t let my baby die. Please. I only have her. Please.”

She became hysterical and it was visible that it was impossible to continue. The screen went black again and the minister appeared.

Sho and Junichi twitched on their placed and balled their fists in anger.

Facility workers and doctors were paid to do their job; they didn’t necessarily want to do what they did. Donor receivers were given an offer that they couldn’t refuse; their loved ones were on stake. But this man? This man was the mastermind. He was the one who made the program. He was the one to justify this infamy.

The minister was calm as he began the speech, “Katanashi Ai is just one of many cases that might be helped by the program. She had no hope, but now she has. We could save her, we could prevent her from dying,” he moved forward and his everything was kind of intimidating, “And that’s the sole reason why N. Kazunari exists in this world. He wasn’t born, he was made. He doesn’t have family waiting for him like Katanashi Ai has. He doesn’t have any future. He was designated for this purpose; therefore he doesn’t even have what it takes to continue living-”

The speech was cut off because Sho threw a glass to the television. He was mad. Really mad. His face was red, his veins were showing, and he was panting hard.

The government was putting Kazunari in a competition with the little girl and judging by the way Kazunari was losing his focus, even himself was losing already. Jun wasn’t lying when he said Kazunari had the kindest heart; he started to question himself.

The table had been turned again. Everyone could feel that.

On the press conference site, Jun was faced with a room of silent journalists who showed that they were wavering inside. They were so confident in supporting them earlier, but not now.

Once again, they’re back to square one.

*******

“He’s closing down,” Masaki said in resignation after he came out from Kazunari’s room. After the broadcast, everyone avoided to be in Kazunari’s room. Kazunari was shaken, and they were too. The turn of event had destroyed their bubbling hope in the worst way possible. Masaki sat next to Toma and rested his head to the wall, “The girl got him so bad. He’s giving up.”

Jun groaned from across the hallway, “They’re the worst, really. This is not fair.”

“How’s Sho chan?” Masaki asked.

“Bad. Junichi senpai had to beat him down because he wanted to go straight to the minister’s office,” Toma said weakly. All of them were spent. He exhaled a long, heavy breath before he turned to Junichi and asked, “What should we do now, Senpai? People’s opinions have been split now. And I must say, it’s not so good on us.”

“Petitions are put on halt. We’re on our own again,” Junichi grunted. He just had a phone call just before Masaki went out, “It’s too risky to put forth for now. They could use this ‘they’re trying to kill the girl’ on us again and no one would back us up. We need different approach.”

“It’s not like we want the girl to die,” Jun mumbled and it was true. So true that the broadcast had affected them in one way or another. Something inside them had wavered on the virtue of robbing the girl’s hope away. They had always been the good guys, after all.

“We don’t,” Junichi leaned back to the wall, “Actually, I have a plan that we could use for sure, but.. I don’t think we’re going to like it.”

Junichi didn’t have to explain about the plan because all of them already had the same idea crossing their heads once or twice. They just couldn’t bring it out, especially to Sho.

Apparently, no one was ready to talk about it yet so Jun just sighed and muttered, “They shouldn’t have given the girl hope, really.”

“But it’s done already. It’s either shutting her hope down, or-”

The sentence was kept hanging. They looked down, they sighed, they grunted. Each and every one of them started to lose their hopes and clinging to this one idea that they all refused to spell out.

It was never easy to have a heart.

*******

Kazunari’s heart was wrenched, twisted, and smashed after the broadcast. It hurt him; how he knew how the girl must be feeling. He knew how it felt to see the death was scheduled for him. He knew how it felt to have hope. And, ironically, at the same time as the girl, he knew how it felt to have the hope slipping out of his hands.

It’s the same for both of them. They’re not meant to keep on living. They’re expected to leave this world sooner than anyone else. They had hope, but their hopes were canceling each other.

Only one of them could make it alive. One had to die so the other could keep on living.

When Kazunari was faced with that, a million and one contradictions made a massive storm inside him. He wanted to live, he really did, but he couldn’t let the girl die. Because, what’s the difference between him and the government if he did so?

Kazunari couldn’t communicate much because he had a feud inside of him. When Masaki came to see him, he had no will to talk even though Masaki was his closest friend right after Sho. He was glad that Masaki didn’t force him and he was also glad that his friends didn’t storm at him to talk about it yet. He was in a limbo, he needed to be with himself for a while.

Sho had rushed out without a word after he wrecked the television. Kazunari didn’t know if he wanted to know where Sho was going or not. He didn’t know if he wanted Sho to come back and accompany him or not.

But when Sho finally walked in two days later, one eye slightly black and face a mess, Kazunari finally knew that he needed Sho.

“Sho kun, let’s go out?” he asked in a whisper. He needed to escape from his suffocating white room. He needed to go away from everything that reminded him of the program for a while.

Sho nodded and they walked outside. They strolled on the beach line, letting the fresh air fill their lungs. Sho shrugged off from his jacket and wrapped it around Kazunari’s shoulders out of habit and Kazunari winced.

“I might be dying but I’m not sick nor weak, you know that, right?” Kazunari said in a low tone. He didn’t mean it to come out that harsh, but he had been feeling like he’s at the mercy of other people too much lately.

“You’re _not_ dying,” Sho said instead.

Kazunari exhaled a long breath and there’s an apology slipped in on that breath. Both of them were in the verge of breaking, they could feel that. They continued walking until they could get a hold of themselves again. Sho’s hand crept up to Kazunari’s midway and it squeezed Kazunari’s like Kazunari’s hand was a lifeline.

Kazunari squeezed back. There’s so many conversations that they had without any words right then.

 _I need you_ , Sho said with a squeeze.

 _I need you too_ , Kazunari replied the squeeze.

 _I can’t live without you_ , Sho said with the way he looked away.

 _I don’t want to leave you_ , Kazunari implied by looking down and slowing the pace.

Kazunari took a deep breath and looked to the horizon when finally he said, “I don’t think I could let the girl die, Sho kun. What should I do?”

“It’s inevitable, Kazu,” Sho said even though his own voice was unsure and so small, “Refusing to donate for her doesn’t make you a murderer.”

“But it certainly makes me feel like one,” Kazunari swept the wave with his bare foot, “Her hope. At least I’d kill her hope.”

“And you let them kill yours?”

“We couldn’t do much anyway, could we?” Kazunari gave his bitter smile, “I’m not blind and I’m not stupid, Sho kun. My time is not much anymore. With that publication, everyone is backing away from us. Even if there’s something that we could do, we don’t have the time to do it.”

“I can go straight to the minister himself. We haven’t tried that yet. There are still a lot of things that we haven’t tried yet. It’s too early to give up,” Sho’s tone was getting higher. To be true, he was running out of idea and strategy. Junichi and the others were executing another plan but he resented it. He really resented it. Everyone was really apologetic but they had met a dead end - Sho was on his own now.

“ _Mou ii_ ,” Kazunari turned to look at Sho and his eyes were beautiful; glistening with tears and sunset’s light.

But Sho hated those eyes. They’re beautiful - they always were - but right then, they showed something that Sho dreaded the most. They showed how Kazunari was giving up, they showed how Kazunari was surrendering.

Kazunari was stopping.

“I just want to be with you, that’s all,” it was repeated again - Kazunari’s need to be with Sho in his last days, “It couldn’t be that bad, right? If I have you by my side until the very last, I think I can endure it all.”

“But _I_ can’t!” Sho snapped, “Do you expect me to just sit and wait? I can’t, Kazu. We’ve talked about this. I can’t. Let me just- let me at least try.”

Kazunari reached for Sho’s cheeks, understanding the agony that the older felt. They stopped on their track and instead of giving in to Sho like the last time, he pleaded, “But come back to me every night, okay? I need you. I can’t afford waiting for you anymore. Time is the only thing that I am short of now.”

Sho nodded immediately because he saw the despondency in those eyes. He saw loneliness. He saw longing feeling. It dragged him to the reality of what he had made Kazunari went through.

Kazunari moved forward and drowned himself in Sho’s embrace, “And let me have you as mine, okay? As mine only. Not as a fighter, just as mine only. Okay?”

“Okay,” Sho wrapped Kazunari with his warmth, “I promise.”

“Don’t think about anything when you’re here. Just- let’s date. Let’s forget everything and savor the moment,” Kazunari said to Sho’s chest.

Sho knew it would be hard, but if that was what Kazunari want, then he’d try his best. He nodded and kissed Kazunari’s head.

Kazunari looked up and caught Sho’s lips in his instead. It felt less gentle than the last one but it was pleasant nevertheless. Sho tried to reciprocate the kiss as best as he could, but his worry and his fear were in the way.

Kazunari didn’t let go, though. He clutched to Sho like a koala, advancing further and further to the kiss like he was afraid that they wouldn’t have such a chance again later. There’s an absolute misery in the kiss. There’s an urge. There’s an impel that was indistinguishable.

Sho felt the need that overflowed in the kiss and he decided to really abandon any other thoughts for the time being. Kazunari needed him - not to shut the program down, but to be there, with him - and he didn’t want to disappoint Kazunari. He shut his brain off, letting his senses take the lead. The fresh scent of Kazunari, the soft skin that roamed on his back, the kissable lips, the soft junctures and muscles - Sho let them all intoxicated him.

Soon, the kiss was deepened and it got fiercer. Kazunari’s hands were all over Sho’s sides and they were losing their breaths. The temperature between them was rising and they completely lost in the full-of-feeling kiss.

When they parted because the need of oxygen, Kazunari breathed out, “Hold me.”

And Sho knew that Kazunari wasn’t asking to be hugged so innocently. He knew that the two words meant something more - that it meant that they’re taking their relationship further after putting it aside for the longest time.

“Let’s get back to your room,” Sho said right to Kazunari’s mouth and hoisted the slighter up to his arms. Kazunari resumed the kiss immediately, didn’t really care that Sho had to bring him back inside the facility blindly.

Kazunari nibbled Sho’s lips and circled his arms around Sho’s neck. Every room in the facility had its own door to the beach so they didn’t have to bump into anyone. When they stepped inside the veranda and reached the door, Sho stumbled on his feet and Kazunari’s feet fell down to the ground. Sho leaned to the door frame and Kazunari pressed their bodies together, stealing the breath out of Sho’s lungs.

Sho had to guide Kazunari inside or they would lose it all right there and then on the veranda, so he sought for the door handle and opened it, dragging Kazunari inside with him.

They froze once both of them were inside the room.

There’s someone else there, sitting on the chair next to the bed. They definitely didn’t know who this someone else was, but they knew one thing;

He looked exactly like Kazunari.

*******

“I’m your original,” the man answered the confused and terrified eyes, “Ninomiya. The family name is Ninomiya.”

Kazunari blinked several times. He couldn’t believe what was happening. Original meant that the man was the source of Kazunari’s DNA. It meant that Kazunari was that man’s clone.

“Ninomiya?” Sho let the name rolled on his tongue, “Ni- Ninomiya Kazunari, then?”

The man nodded, “Yes. But let’s just call me Nino to avoid any confusion.”

They were beyond surprised because meeting an original was more like a folklore than a true story. Knowing the family name, for once, was something that they hoped but never really expected. It’s like the hope of becoming a star or - up until a couple years before - getting old.

“I’m glad that I saw you on the television. It was hard for me to get here, but I finally get to meet you,” this Nino smiled and it was identical to Kazunari’s, “I feel like I’m looking to the mirror.”

Donors didn’t necessarily have to look exactly like their originals especially because of the age difference, but in this case, every inch of Kazunari was a perfect copy of Nino. Nino was a tad bit skinnier and tanner, but if they didn’t stand right next to each other, they would be impossible to differ. Even their haircuts were the same.

Kazunari and Sho were still pretty much shocked that they couldn’t give any proper response.

“I’m sorry I don’t have much time - which I believe you don’t have too - so, please, get a grip of yourself because I need your full attention on me,” Nino said. When he saw that Kazunari and Sho started to come back from the shock, he continued, “You only have four days left, right? I have an offer that you might want to consider.”

Kazunari and Sho were alerted.

“What kind of offer?” Sho asked.

Nino’s eyes were on Kazunari, “I can help you out of here. I can remove the tracker and bring you out. Alive and well. Untraceable.”

Kazunari stepped forward out of reflex, “How?”

“I know how,” Nino simply said, “Once we reach agreement, I can proceed and you’d be outside in less than 24 hours. It is - obviously - illegal, though.”

Kazunari took the information in while Sho twitched at the word ‘illegal’.

“Are you sure? Removing the tracker is-”

“I’ve done it before. Successfully,” Nino cut Sho midway, “Actually, that’s the exact reason why I’m here now, bargaining with you.”

Kazunari and Sho exchanged glances. It felt surreal, that another chance was bestowed upon them all the sudden. But they didn’t succumb in happiness yet, they had encountered so many murdered hopes that they had become more cautious.

They also knew by how Nino was paraphrasing it that the man, which could be ten or fifteen years older than them, wanted something in exchange.

“Continue,” Kazunari prompted.

“You see, I’m an original. I’ve always known in depth about the program and the facilities since I was very young. I know things - I take notes. I even worked in one of the facilities once,” Nino showed deep bitterness when he said it, “And then I met this donor. A pretty one. Her eyes are bright and her smile is the world for me. I fell in love with her. That was my first mistake. I made her fall in love with me - that was the second. Before I knew it, I’ve learned what it takes to remove a tracker and brought her with me.”

Sho gulped. He could feel the story under his skin. He knew how it must have felt.

“I become a fugitive. We hopped from one place to another. We were young, we thought we could go on forever. But then my son was born and we couldn’t move as freely as we used to. Eventually, I got caught,” Nino closed his eyes as if to cast the images away, “I escaped once, but I learned that I couldn’t go back to my family for it would put them on danger. I kept on running while keeping them on tab, but I found out that they’d discover my family earlier than they’d discover me if this keeps on going. Death penalty is waiting for either me or my wife, and I’d like it to be me rather than her. So, I’m turning myself in.”

The air became tenser. They’re facing a man who was walking to his death by his own.

“The thing is, I can’t leave my wife alone. It’s impossible for an ex-donor to raise a child alone, you might know that. And I really can’t imagine what she would be like if she discovered that I’m about to.. do this,” Nino looked up to meet Kazunari’s eyes, “That’s why, the only thing that I’m asking you to do is.. to replace me. Be me. Be Ninomiya Kazunari. Be my wife’s husband and my son’s father. Leave N. Kazunari behind and _be me_.”

“W- what?” Kazunari stuttered. That was unexpected.

“You’ll have to move to the countryside, though. You’ll have to leave any connection that you have with your current self too. You’ll have to lay low and go unnoticed, since they will be looking for you, but at least you will be alive,” Nino pushed through, “I’ll take you there myself. I’ll make sure that no one could find you and - I’m sorry about this, but - I’ll make sure that you wouldn’t be able to get back.”

Kazunari and Sho fell into a saturated silence. Their brains were wandering here and there fast, pondering and considering. It was the most real chance that they got so far but the thought of being separated not by death was so new and alien that they couldn’t process it at once.

Nino seemed to understand this. He stood up after looking at his wristwatch and stepped to them, “Think about it properly first. I’ll come back tomorrow.” He disappeared behind the door swiftly after he put his hoodie down and patted both Kazunari and Sho on the shoulder.

The silence continued. Sho staggered to the couch and Kazunari leaned to the edge of the bed. They were obviously thinking - racking their brains in an attempt to make a decision.

Their processes of thinking were obviously different. It showed when they broke the silence.

“Do it,” Sho exhaled.

“I don’t want to,” Kazunari decided. Sho threw a betrayed look and Kazunari continued, “What’s the point of living someone else’s life? My reason to stay alive is to be with you, if we’re separated and I have to be someone else’s husband and father instead, then I don’t think I want to. I don’t think I’m capable to.”

“But at least you’re alive!” Sho argued, “I could try and find you even if he brought you to the other part of the world. And then- and then we could be together again.”

“That is if you’re not dragged to the donation too,” Kazunari felt bitter.

“They won’t. Junichi senpai and the others are working in this foolproof plan that will end this program for sure,” Sho spelled out.

Kazunari looked up. He hadn’t heard about this before.

Sho stuttered because he wasn’t supposed to say that. He looked away and explained, “Our major obstacle now is because there are people who are already scheduled to receive donations. People who are already given hope. Promise. So- they’re.. they’re trying to achieve an agreement with the government that.. that the donation will go on until the last scheduled one but there will be no other donation after that. The government wouldn’t be able to say no to that. But-”

“But it means that I’m still going to the operating room anyway,” Kazunari completed the sentence. He felt somehow betrayed but he knew it was logical to do. Their main goal was to shut the program down, anyway, not to save Kazunari alone.

“Don’t get me wrong, I opposed that plan,” Sho said hastily, “But what they’re doing isn’t exactly wrong either, so I- I can’t-”

“It’s okay,” Kazunari opted to get over it fast.

“So, yeah. If you’re alive, then I could try and find you.”

“And we’d betray Ninomiya san for sure.”

“Kazu..,” Sho let out a desperate whine.

“Only one will survive between me, the girl, and Ninomiya san and I don’t think letting me to be the one who live would be the best decision,” Kazunari said darkly, “The girl would be dead, Ninomiya san would be dead, I would be living a fake life, and Ninomiya san’s family would be fooled for their lives.”

“Kazu-”

“I could save one of them. I _can_ ,” then a dim spark lit up in Kazunari’s eyes, “Or both of them. Ninomiya san could discard the tracker and I could turn myself in as him. Then I, as Ninomiya san, could donate my heart valve to the girl. I’m her designated donor, anyway, there wouldn’t be a problem. That way, there would be two lives saved.”

“Kazu, stop!” Sho jumped onto his feet and he shouted loud, “Who are they to you, so you really want to save them, on top of yourself?! What have they done to you, that you’re willing to replace their places in front of death?! They’re no one, Kazu! No one!”

“They’re no one but I have no other choice!” Kazu shouted back, “It’s not about who they are, but it’s about me choosing meaningful death rather than aimless and unknown life. It’s not about them, because if it depends on who the subject is, then I’d never do it unless it’s _you_. It’s about me and making the best from the remaining of my life.”

Sho was so upset right then. He couldn’t apprehend the way that Kazunari thought. So he stormed out, leaving Kazunari alone and forgetting the promise to stay with Kazunari.

********

A new day arrived and Sho felt terrible. He had spent the night in the office, listening vaguely at how the others were making huge progress on their plan. With the conditions that they had offered, the government was cornered. There was a pretty good chance that they’d seal the deal in a day or two. They didn’t seem too happy though, for at midnight, the clock chimed and they fell into mourning silence, noting quietly that Kazunari’s time was down to three days.

Sho realized that too and he felt bad. So bad. But he was still upset at Kazunari that he wanted to shake him outright until he could consider about something else that didn’t include him dying. Sho knew it was hard, especially because three days weren’t much at all, so he forced his anger and ego down to come to Kazunari.

He bought a bouquet of flower, knowing that quarrel in times like that was unforgivable, and headed straight to Kazunari’s room. He was chased by a nurse with a sorry look to complete Kazunari’s donation documents and he cringed to that, feeling how real it was.

When it was all done, Sho continued his walk to Kazunari’s room and he bumped into someone. The man was hooded but Sho caught a glimpse of his face. It was Nino.

Sho bowed and so did Nino. Nino fixed his hoodie and walked away hastily, probably to avoid any suspicion from the facility’s staff. Sho stared at him for a while and analyzed the situation.

Nino was leaving, it meant that Kazunari turned down his offer.

Sho rushed to Kazunari. He needed to know what happened. When he entered the room, Kazunari was just climbing back to the bed.

“I saw Ninomiya san,” Sho said with racing breaths, “You didn’t take his offer, did you?”

Kazunari was startled by Sho and he only stared without blinking for a couple of seconds. Then, he softly smiled and shook his head. There’s a bit of gloom on his face when he said, “No, I didn’t.”

“Oh, God,” Sho didn’t know how to react. On one side, he was relieved that Kazunari didn’t do his crazy plan which was taking Nino’s place for the death penalty. On the other side, they’re back with little to no hope again.

“I guess we’re back on our own now,” Kazunari said and there was a dark pain in his words. It was like he was regretting it. Like he was doing something that he despised himself.

Sho exhaled a deep breath to relax himself and advanced closer to Kazunari. He put the bouquet in the vase and sat on the edge of the bed, next to and facing at Kazunari.

“I’m sorry I exploded yesterday,” Sho apologized. He reached for Kazunari’s cheek.

Kazunari didn’t meet Sho’s eyes. He looked here and there, but not to Sho. And then he raised his hand to scratch the side of his nose - it was his habit whenever he’s nervous or generally uncomfortable.

The sight was really familiar to Sho, but something bothered him.

Something was not right.

Sho’s eyes widened in realization and he started running. He left the room and frantically moved towards the entrance of the facility. His eyes scanned everywhere and he didn’t stop even for a second.

Sho was already outside the facility’s gate when he found what he sought.

The hooded man gasped when Sho gripped his arm from behind.

“Stop!” Sho hissed.

The man’s eyes widened but he calmed down again in a flash, “Yes, Sho san?”

Sho showed his angered face and pulled the man back towards the facility.

“H- Hey! What are you doing? Sho san, Kazunari has told you that he declined my offer, hasn’t he?” the slighter tried to resist but he’s no match to an angry S. Sho.

Sho turned to face the other and he was beyond angry when he said, “I know you. I know what you’re doing. Do you think you can fool me? No, _Kazu_ , you can’t.”

*******

Kazunari had been thrown to the bed by Sho and Nino had decided to give them privacy - he was not so fond of the plan either. Sho paced around the room angrily and Kazunari crossed his arms in front of his chest, clearly agitated.

Sho pulled his hair in frustration and spat out, “What the heck was that, Kazu?!”

“You know what that was, Sho kun,” Kazunari’s eyes were as sharp as daggers.

“I’ve told you that I’m NOT okay with that plan, Kazu. What on it that you don’t understand?!”

“Then, what should I do, Sho kun? Please, enlighten me!”

“You should just receive his offer!” Sho snapped.

“I’ve told you that I’m NOT okay with that!” Kazunari snapped back, “What on it that you don’t understand?!”

Sho didn’t expect to have his own words used against him. He looked at Kazunari with offended look.

“I don’t want to live other man’s life. End of story.”

“Then, let’s try other things!” Sho was exasperated.

Kazunari gave a bitter snort of laugh, “What other things, Sho kun? I only have two days. Two fucking days, Sho kun. What can we do in two days?! Do tell me!”

Honestly, Sho didn’t have the answer to that and that’s why he hated himself so much. His brain was a mess, running a million and one thought processes at once in an attempt to find an answer. They were really on the edge. It was really a dead end.

In the middle of anger and depression, Sho finally found a way out.

He balled his fist, “I’ll show you what we can do.”

“Do as you wish. But if nothing happened until tomorrow afternoon, I’ll do as I wish,” Kazunari ended the conversation by looking away from Sho.

Sho left after that. He went to chase this one way out that he had in mind.

Deep down, they had this painful feeling of regret.

It felt like their hearts were pierced with a million spears at once. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, really.

The last promise that they made on the beach resonated in their heads like a poisonous spell.

*******

The agreement had just been achieved. Arguments had withered down and all the questions had been answered. The meeting was just about to be concluded when someone barged in and robbed everyone’s attention.

“Sho chan,” Masaki gasped when he saw who it was.

“I have- I have something,” Sho was panting hard, “I have something to ask that- that is related to the result of this meeting.”

Junichi, Toma, Jun, and Masaki exchanged glances. There were buzzes and whispers all around the room. People on the journalists’ rows were craning their head in curiosity.

Sho was trembling. He was more than afraid. But he was determined.

Because there’s only one purpose that he had all along, and he’d achieve it no matter what.

*******

Kazunari trembled when he heard what the nurse said that morning. He was waiting for Nino when the nurse came, already prepared to resume his halted plan. But what the nurse said shook him inside out.

“It was announced last night that the program is canceled,” the nurse had said at first, and it wasn’t all that surprising for Kazu. He had heard about Junichi’s plan, after all. But then, the nurse continued, “Then, early this morning they also announced that your donation is canceled too. Congratulations, N. Kazunari san, you’re a free man now.”

He froze before he felt his body shaking like a withered leaf. He couldn’t accept the information right away - his brain forbade him to. He asked for confirmation for about a hundred times before he shut up and tried to take it in. He slapped himself hard and repeatedly, making sure that he was not dreaming.

The whole facility was filled with emotions. Be it donors, doctors, or the staffs; everyone was glad with the announcement. Finally, the sick program was closed. Finally, the dark days were over.

When Sho came, that was the exact time when Kazunari was reduced to tears. He ran to Sho, throwing himself to Sho and muttering unintelligible words. Sho just smiled and smiled, patiently waiting until Kazunari was down from the high.

Then, like he just realized that he was boiling mad the last time they met, Kazunari backed away and timidly said, “I- I’m sorry. Yesterday I-”

Sho put his index finger on Kazunari’s lips, “It’s okay.”

Kazunari blushed because he felt so guilty. He looked down and shuffled on his feet, not so sure of what to do.

“I have a flat,” Sho suddenly said, “The one that they gave me when I started my duty as a carer.”

Kazunari looked up.

“Let’s go home with me?” Sho stretched his arm to Kazunari.

Kazunari turned into a sobbing mess once again when he nodded and took Sho’s hand.

*******

It really felt like a dream to Kazunari. He got to be outside the facility again. He got to cross the crowded street again. He got to watch the hustle bustle of the city.

Sho was quiet along the journey. They were using Junichi’s car and Sho was the one who drove. It took roughly thirty minutes for them to arrive to Sho’s flat and Kazunari felt giddy.

Finally, he had something real to call home.

Sho opened the door and they went in. Kazunari closed the door behind him, vaguely considering what he had to say. Should it be ‘tadaima’? Should it be ‘sorry for the intrusion’?

Kazunari didn’t have the chance to pick, though. When he turned back from the door, Sho was already there, capturing him in a tight embrace. Sho was clinging to him, holding to him. Like Sho was drowning and Kazunari was his lifebuoy.

It startled Kazunari that he felt warm liquid seeping through the fabric of his shirt.

Sho was crying.

“Hey, Sho kun,” Kazunari whispered. His hand moved up and down on Sho’s back.

Sho inhaled deeply as if he wanted to take in Kazunari’s whole being. He wiped his tears but kept clinging to Kazunari, “I’m sorry. I just- It feels like a dream.”

Kazunari understood it, of course. He chuckled and squeezed Sho, “I can’t believe this either. But, look, I’m here. I’m really here.”

Sho pulled away and cupped Kazunari’s cheeks, scanning Kazunari’s features as if he was making sure that Kazunari was real. He ran his palm on Kazunari’s skin, sweeping Kazunari’s fringe away to reveal more of his face.

Kazunari smiled and a strangled sob of happiness made its way out of his throat.

Sho leaned his forehead on Kazunari’s, “You’re here.”

Kazunari reached for the side of Sho’s cheek, “Yes, I’m here.”

Sho couldn’t resist it anymore. All the feelings that he had inside him was overpowering and overwhelming, he felt like he could explode anytime soon. He leaned forward and kissed Kazunari’s lips tentatively. He repeated, “You’re here.”

Kazunari nodded while pulling Sho into another kiss. He held Sho’s nape of the neck to keep him in place. He mumbled into the kiss, “I’m here.”

Sho nodded too. Tears kept falling between them and they kept pulling each other closer like it was possible. Their contact was full of longing, full of love. It was filled with protective sense and the fear of losing.

“Hold me,” Kazunari said it again.

The words were exactly the same, but it felt completely different. It wasn’t hasty, for they’re not running out of time anymore. It was sweet, it was sincere. It wasn’t because the circumstances urged him to, it was purely because he wanted it.

Sho looked at Kazunari’s eyes, asking if he was sure without words.

Kazunari nodded and he kissed Sho again to show him that he was really sure.

Sho led Kazunari to the bed and he gently pushed Kazunari to the bed. They kept kissing, kept caressing. They maintained all the intimate touches until they’re melted to each other.

Clothes were discarded one by one. Sho climbed on top of Kazunari, pressing his skin as much as he could to Kazunari’s. He kissed Kazunari’s temple, Kazunari’s cheeks, Kazunari’s nose - basically every inch of Kazunari. He was worshiping Kazunari with his touches and Kazunari reciprocated every touch with the same intensity of love.

Sho worked Kazunari up slowly, making sure that every second spent was beautiful and pleasurable instead of lustful and greedy. He was very gentle, very careful.

When they’re finally merged into one, it was heavenly. It felt warm, it felt new and familiar at once, it felt like it was meant to be and - they’re convinced by then - it was.

They didn’t really pursue their climax. They just moved the way they felt right. They just shouted their love in every stroke, in every thrust. It was more putting their feelings into movements than searching for release.

They were really making love, not having sex.

When the climax came unto them, it was more like an added bonus than the main prize.

Sho plopped into Kazunari while arranging his breath. Kazunari wrapped his arms around Sho’s damp back.

Finally, Kazunari was sure about what to say.

“Tadaima.”

Sho froze for a second before burying his face on the crook of Kazunari’s neck.

“Okaeri nasai.”

And they hugged each other to sleep, not letting go even for one second.

*******

Sho had insisted that he would cook that night. Kazunari knew that Sho was never a decent cook, but he let him be anyway. He just watched from the couch on the living room, smiling all the way like Sho was the most amusing show he had ever seen.

“Don’t complain about the appearance,” Sho said when he came with two questionable plates of chahan. He sat down on the couch next to Kazunari, offering a plate to the waiting man.

“Are you sure this is edible?” Kazunari flicked the rice with the spoon with giggles flowing from his mouth.

Sho nudged Kazunari playfully and they laughed together.

When the laughter was withered out, Sho said, “At least you got to know how my cooking tastes like once in your life.”

“Yeah, once. I’ll be the one to cook for both of us after this,” Kazunari said after he choked on the first spoon of chahan. They laughed again and Kazunari continued eating nevertheless.

Kazunari turned on the television with the remote control but Sho snatched the remote and turned it off again right away.

Kazunari turned to Sho with questioning eyes.

“Let’s just stay away from the news, okay? We’ve had enough of it. Let’s just.. focus to each other right now.”

Kazunari found it strange and an unpleasant feeling seeped into his heart, “You’re not hiding something from me, are you?”

Sho looked up and laughed awkwardly, “What? No. Why should I?”

Kazunari found himself doubting Sho right then, and Sho noticed it. Sho sighed, “There will be news about the girl and Ninomiya san. I just don’t want you to feel bad about it, really. So let’s just stay away from it.”

Kazunari’s head spun when his brain connected the dots. Guilty feelings ambushed him.  
Kazunari nodded and whispered, “Thank you,” because he had misunderstood Sho. Sho just wanted to protect him from the news about the girl’s transplantation cancellation and Ninomiya’s death. That’s all.

Or at least, that’s what Kazunari thought.

*******

The day when the donation was supposed to be held was there and Kazunari couldn’t cast this bugging feeling away. His mind wandered to the girl - to how happy she looked and how sad her mother was. He felt sick when his brain strolled to the fact that she might not survive now, that she might be dead anytime soon.

Sho was aware of this, apparently. He never left Kazunari’s side for more than a couple of minutes that day and Kazunari was grateful for that. They didn’t leave Sho’s flat at all that day. They just lay on the bed, feeling each other’s proximity to ease any harmful feelings.

“How did you know that it was me?” Kazunari suddenly said out of the blue.

“Hm?”

“How did you know that it was me who was leaving the facility?” Kazunari repeated, referring to the day when he tried to escape from the facility so he could turn himself in as Ninomiya.

“Ah,” Sho mulled for a bit, “It was.. You have this one habit that you always do when you’re nervous or under pressure.”

Kazunari tilted his head because if he had it, he didn’t aware of it.

Sho smiled a bit, “You scratch the side of your nose. Like this,” he demonstrated it and Kazunari started to understand. “He did it too, actually,” Sho added.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It’s amazing, though, how similar the both of you are,” Sho said, “But something was different. You’d always nudge your nose with your knuckles right after that. Always. But he didn’t. He tapped the nose with the tip of his fingers right after. It’s _scratch, scratch, nudge_ for you and _scratch, scratch, tap_ for him.”

“Ah, so that was it?” Kazunari was amused by the fact that Sho knew him so well and it was good, because it made him forget about the girl for a while.

“Yeah, that was it,” Sho nodded. His thumb was caressing Kazunari’s shoulder, “I will be able to find you even if there are a thousand people that look just like you. Because it’s only you that I love. For me, it’s only you.”

Kazunari chuckled. He felt warm.

He was glad that he did survive.

For that time, at least.

*******

Early morning on the third day since Kazunari was out from the facility, Masaki, Toma, and Jun came to Sho’s flat. They brought notices, documents, and brochures from the government that Sho immediately put away and they also had a breakfast together with Sho and Kazunari. There was something off with them but Kazunari couldn’t pinpoint what.

They left before noon with lingering hugs and never ending goodbyes especially to Sho.

Sho brought the brochures and Kazunari to the bedroom, spreading the brochures in front of them to study.

“Courses,” Sho started, “We have to take courses so we can apply for jobs. NGOs have offered us some jobs, though. But I think we still should take some courses.”

Kazunari nodded, agreeing with Sho. “I think I’m going to something music related. Composing and such. Journalism seems to suit you, Sho kun. Why don’t you try that?”

Sho just smiled weakly to that and he put the music composing brochure aside. He then proceeded to another bundle of brochures.

“We have to move out from this flat sooner or later, so pick one that you like. All of them are quite close to either Junichi senpai’s place or Masaki’s place. Jun and Toma are going to live together somewhere in between their places,” Sho pointed to some places on the map, “Which one?”

Kazunari squinted his eyes for a moment and gave up, “I don’t know. Anywhere is good for me.”

“Hey,” Sho warned, “Come on.”

“Really,” Kazunari insisted and he leaned to Sho’s shoulder, “As long as I’m with you, then anywhere is good for me.”

Kazunari could feel that Sho’s body became rigid. He straightened up to check on Sho and he was panicked when he saw tears were flowing from Sho’s eyes.

“What happened, Sho kun?” Kazunari asked.

Sho wiped his tears and shook his head. He shoved the brochures away and pulled Kazunari down to the bed with him. He was shuddering, but he pinned Kazunari down and kissed Kazunari mindlessly.

Kazunari was startled by the sudden change of mood and by the roughness of Sho. He thrashed about but Sho didn’t let go. Sho kept attacking him with sloppy kisses and hasty caresses that was completely different from their first time together. This one was desperate. This one was frustrated.

Kazunari managed to drag Sho back to consciousness by slapping him hard. Sho stopped, his breaths were hitching and his tears were flowing involuntarily. Sho stared at Kazunari like he just realized what was happening and he dropped down to Kazunari.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was shaky.

“What happened?” Kazunari tried to ask once again.

“I don’t know,” Sho whispered.

Kazunari reached to brush Sho’s hair with his fingers, knowing that something was definitely wrong.

“Be alright, okay?” Sho suddenly continued after a few moment of silence, “Be fine.”

Kazunari furrowed his brows because it sounded absurd. He wondered what Sho meant with that so he asked, “What is this supposed to mean?”

Sho clutched Kazunari so tight and didn’t say anything. He just cried to Kazunari’s shoulder, seeming weak and broken like a lost puppy.

When he seemed to calm down a bit, Kazunari asked again, “What happened, Sho kun?”

Instead of giving an answer, Sho stood up timidly and said, “I’ll- I’ll take a shower for now.” He stormed away to the bathroom, leaving the highly confused Kazunari alone.

But Kazunari was clever. He knew it had something to do with the government and the program. He searched for the documents that Jun gave earlier that day and scanned through it one by one.

One of them was donation notice that Kazunari knew by heart.

The recipient was Katanashi Ai.

The donation was going to take place on the day after, 2 PM.

The donor was

S. Sho.

*******

Sho didn’t expect it at all when he walked out from the shower to face an angry Kazunari. He had cried under the shower, collecting the pieces of his heart until he was sure that he was strong enough again to face Kazunari with a smile. He only had less than 24 hours, anyway. He only wanted to fill it with good memories with Kazunari.

But Kazunari found the document that he hid and he was beyond angry.

“What’s this?!” Kazunari screamed while throwing the document right to Sho’s face.

Sho picked it up and felt his heart crumble down when he realized what document it was.

“So that’s why you forbid me from watching the news, huh?!” Kazunari’s eyes were bloodshot, “For how long do you plan to fool me, S. Sho?! Tell me!”

“I don’t-,” Sho tried to defend himself but he knew there’s no use of it.

“It’s scheduled for tomorrow, for God’s sake! Are you intending to just leave me without giving me any notice?! Letting me succumb into despair because I thought we’re finally having our happily ever after when the fact is we’re in no better condition than before?!”

“That’s not it,” Sho tried again.

“I can’t believe you,” Kazunari hissed and he looked so hurt. So betrayed. So disappointed.

Kazunari stormed out of the flat right away. Sho hastily wore his pants and snatched his shirt before running after Kazunari but Kazunari had gone too far. The younger already hailed a cab and disappeared from Sho’s sight.

Sho searched for Kazunari frantically. Kazunari was not with Masaki. He was not with Jun and Toma. He was also not with Junichi. Sho searched to every place that Kazunari ever lived in and found nothing. Masaki, Jun, Toma, and Junichi helped him but they also got nothing.

When the dusk came, they gathered in Sho’s flat, thinking that Kazunari might come back there because he had no other place after all.

But Kazunari didn’t come back.

Not when the morning came.

Not when Sho called at him desperately.

Not when Sho was picked up for the donation.

Sho looked back for one last time at the bed that still had some of Kazunari’s scent before he let the staff dragged him away to the ambulance, whispering goodbye as if Kazunari was there to hear it.

*******

“We’re sorry, we’ve searched everywhere, but,” Junichi said apologetically after Sho was out from his examination room.

“It’s okay, it’s my fault, after all,” Sho said but it was clear that he was not okay, “I just- I just want to be with him until the very last. I- I think I finally know how he must be feeling back then.”

Masaki stepped forward to squeeze Sho’s hand.

“Can I ask you guys for something?” Sho turned to look at them all one by one, “Take care of him, please?”

“We will,” Jun assured. All of them already had tears in their eyes by then. Junichi even had to excuse himself because the urge of wailing out was too strong.

Sho closed his eyes and he imagined that Kazunari was there, right beside him. He imagined Kazunari’s smile. He imagined Kazunari’s giggle, Kazunari’s voice. All the songs that Kazunari wrote resounded in his head.

All of it was beautiful, all of it gave him strength. When the nurse came to take him to the operating room, only Kazunari’s absence that he regretted.

Sho nodded to the nurse and his bed was pushed outside. The pace was slow and it was agonizing. Every minute spent stressed that Kazunari wasn’t there with him.

But then, hurried steps were heard and he saw someone caught up on him.

Sho almost thought that he was dreaming, but he was not. It was Kazunari.

“Kazu,” Sho reached out.

Kazunari seemed to avoid Sho’s gaze but he clasped his hand back on Sho’s. He matched the pace and said, “I’m sorry.”

Sho wanted to say that it was him that should be apologizing, but he knew his time wasn’t that much to have such an argument so he just nodded and smiled.

“Let me at least walk you there, okay?” Kazunari said in a calm tone. His eyes showed otherwise, though.

“Thank you,” Sho squeezed Kazunari’s hand.

The walk was extremely short but it was enough. When Sho was pushed passed the operating room’s door, his hand lingered on Kazunari’s until the very last millimeter. Kazunari moved to behind the glass window and Sho never left his eyes from him.

Kazunari smiled. His smile was painful and sad and gloomy but, still, he smiled. Sho smiled back. The smile was telling Kazunari that he’s okay - he’s fine. He didn’t regret this.

Kazunari started to tremble but he kept his strong appearance.

Sho smiled again, telling that Kazunari, too, will be okay.

The doctor injected the anesthetic to Sho’s body and Sho knew his consciousness would leave him in a few seconds so he tried his best to keep his eyes open, taking in Kazunari’s every movement into his heart.

Sho started to feel light when he saw something that made his eyes widened.

Kazunari was raising his hand to his face, making the gesture that he always did when he was nervous or under pressure.

_Scratch_

_Scratch_

.  
.  
.


End file.
